The Pain of Remembering the Events of the Affair

We found out this week we are moving. My husband is going to be promoted and now we wait for the military to tell us where we are going. We have been in our current location two years. This is where I found out the truth of my husband's infidelity.

I have a lot stirred up inside me right now. The feeling is "I don't want to do it."

If you know my story, my husband was having the affair during our move last time. It was a nightmare. Not only was I dealing with my husband's psychotic behaviors, we had nowhere to live for the whole summer.

We wanted to rent a house because we knew we wouldn't be here for long. There were no houses to rent here...well houses that didn't look like they were condemned.

The whole time we would go back and forth from his grandmother's house to here and back. He would send me to stay with my friend just so he could be with his whore. He would send me here to there with our two kids just so he could be with his whore. We had no place to live and all he cared about was having sex with her...even though we were still having sex in his psychotic ways.

So now, here I sit two years later approaching another move. I remember finding out about moving last time and think about how he was already having the affair. I think about how I was taken advantage of last time and I don't want to anything this time because of that. I was alone a lot during the last move. I took care of everything, while he was escaping from the reality of the move and his grandfather's death.

I had our two kids and a husband who told me almost everyday that he didn't know about us anymore and yelled at me over one thing or another. It was horrific.

I am a much different person now. Not so catering to him just to avoid a fight. I do what I want to do now and I a ma much happier person because of that.

I know that the move is good because this place holds a lot of memories. I pass the hotel I found out at almost everyday.

However, the move is bringing back memories and feeling that are really hard to swallow. It brings me back and I don't want to ever go back to that. The pain comes back. The agony....

I told my husband that I am not doing well and I don't know how I will get through this move. He asked me what he could do to make it easier on me. I told him that there was probably nothing he could really do....but then I thought....

Don't leave me alone. I was alone a lot during the last move. He left me .... I can't be alone again..even if it's to meeting the moving truck or just going to take care of business at our new location. I can't be in the car and seee myself the way I was two years ago....

If he can be with me through it all. If we do it all together...I may feel like I have a partner again. I may feel like I can trust him a little more because I haven't been left out in the cold.

This move may end up doing great things for our relationship. Or he could mess up and we will argue because I will grow anxious and bitter. Let's hope for the first....Time will only tell and I am scared.

I'm Not Miserable - Just Over Analytical

I was talking to a good friend yesterday about my post. She mentioned that her mom had divorced when she was a kid. She also said that her mom was more miserable when married and it was better when she divorced.

I just wanted to tell everyone that I am not miserable. Not at all...

My husband isn't horrible to me....anymore. He has been trying really hard to make me happy. So it's not as thought I am miserble here.

I am happier with this situation than I would be divorced.

I think what my issue is that I look into things A LOT. When I look at my husband, I read between the lines all the time. I think about the AFFAIR.

If I didn't have this problem of over analyzing everything, I probably wouldn't feel so lost in it all. I would most likely feel as though I could let go.

It's just really hard to accept MY husband did this...even two years later.

I also appreciate my situation. It could have turned out so much worse. He could have said he didn't like me and never wanted to be with me again.

Then I would have had to deal with everything that comes with divorce. And I don't want that - I don't want that at all.

I will take what I have right now. I just wish it was wrapped with an affair.

He says so many times, "I wish I could turn the hands of time back."

And I always say..."Yeah...don't we all."

Can Love Survive Cheating

I'm been having a hard time lately. I thought I was over the affair, but apparently, I am not. Frankly, I am pretty much done with dealing with it.

It makes me depressed to know that my husband didn't love me enough not to have an affair. I understand the whole story about how he had it because he was vulnerable due to his grandfather dying and all. However, I just believe that thhe love he has for me should have overcome that temptation. So that only brings me to one conclusion, he did not love me.

I do believe he loves me now, but for what reason? Because he did something awful and I am still here? Is that the reason? Well, that doesn't make me feel good at all because he doesn't love me for who I am but what I do for him.

I don't know if its possible to really have a good marriage after cheating. Or at least, I don't know if it's possible for me. I'm not saying I am going to leave him - I made my decision to come back and he has done everything right - but it's hard to imagine myself loving someone who cheated on me.

The emotions of it are gone. I don't get mad or sad about it. It's as if  the dust has been cleared and now I see the entire picture - and I don't like it.

What kind of person goes off and has a love relationship with someone for eight months while continuing to sleep with his wife? Who tells someone else they want to be with them forever, how they are his soulmate and perfect for him, but yet stays with his wife? What kind of person is able to commit adultery?

You know, my husband didn't just get drunk and sleep with someone. He had a relationship with someone. He sat there sexting her right in front of me. He sent me and the kids off places so he could be with her. He was desperate for her and would jerk me around like trash.

How can I love someone who did that?

I know God would want me to forgive. I know that. I'm having a really hard time doing that. I wonder what kind of person does that and if I can really be associated with someone like that. I thought he had much stronger moral conditions than that.

I don't respect him because of it. I don't see him the same. My love isn't reinstating as I hope it would have. I love my kids though and I have to be with them to survive. It may be the only thing that gets me through this...

Till next time - I'll be writing a lot more.  I am going through bad times again and it's been 2 years. Oy.

Renewal of Vows After the Affair and Faith

My husband has become spiritual since the affair. He has opened himself up to God and has really taken an interest in turning his life around.

Yesterday, we went to speak to the priest about him becoming baptized and confirmed in the Catholic church. The priest asked if we were married in the Catholic church. We explained to him that we weren't because it was important to my husband that we get married in a specific church in his hometown since his whole family for generations had been married in that church. It's Methodist.

The priest said it was completely fine but that we would have to renew our vows so that I would have the sacrament of marriage in the Catholic church. HUH?

I immediately felt sick. What do you mean we have to renew vows... I don't want to do that. My husband cheated on me...made a promise to God that he would be faithful to me forever and broke it. Now, he wants to make another promise. Nope, don't think so.

In mass, the priest talked about dropping your net and following Him. I felt like this is a message from God saying that I should have faith in Him and renew our vows. Kind of like forgiving him completely and moving forward with a new marriage with my faith in God that this time my husband would fulfill that promise.

It still didn't feel right to me. I spoke to my awesome friend, who uncovered something.

It may not be my husband's promise that I am running away from...it may actually be the promise that I would need to make to God in that I wouldn't end the marriage.

Since the affair, I don't truly believe in the vows of marriage. I also don't feel so wrong about divorce. I feel more easily swayed to take that path of divorce than I did before. I can't make a promise that says, "till death do us part."

I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know if I may end up divorcing him. I can't make a promise to God and then break it. I can't betray him that way. At least not now... and I don't know if I ever will.

I think this is where society goes so wrong sometimes. They make promises and then break them. I know that God forgives...but I can't make him a promise after what I've been through and the realization that I could make the decision to divorce.

I will know when it's right for me to do something like and right now isn't it...

Still in Affair Recovery

Thanks for checking in someone. :-)

I know...it's been a long time since I posted on this blog. Once I was no longer in rage mode of my recovery, my writing just didn't fit for this blog. However, I know that it helps a lot of readers and I will make a point to come back and write more often about the private side of this personal struggle.

It's going on a year and half since I found out and about two years since the affair started. Today, my husband's aunt said, "I am so glad you guys are doing so well." She then proceeded to tell me about how hard it is to forgive and forget. All I could get thinking was how she was so sure that I have forgiven and forgotten. Then I couldn't help but think that I couldn't believe that she was bringing this up to me. See, we haven't seen her since the affair broke out...so she thought we were still in some chaotic mess of a marriage.

Behind closed doors, we were discussing how I wish he would stop doing some sexual things that I know he got from the affair. He refuses to admit that he did get it from the affair but yet he never did it before her and has done it ever since her.

Mind you, I can talk about this stuff without batting an eye lash now. I used to be full of rage and cry about it. I know talk about it as a fact and have no problems with it. I am in a place of acceptance. I am very strong now with it. I know what I want and what I don't want. I can voice that too. Something I could never do.

Anyway, my husband on  the other hand continues to carry a lot of guilt over the affair. He has many anxiety attacks over it and when I bring up things like how I wish he he wouldn't kiss my ear because I know he got that from her - he immediately get's really anxious and is stricken with a sense of utter devastation. He denies it..crumbles...I let him go into his hole of "I want to die" and when he emerges ...we move on to the next thing.

I'll tell you...it's not easy. It's the hardest thing ever. My heart drops every time I hear about someone who is going through what I have gone through and what I am going through. Since I am a counselor, I have started focusing a program that helps wives whose husbands have cheated and trying  to save their relationships with their husbands. I am not ready to disclose that here because I have divulged a lot on  this blog through my rage. Maybe something I would like to share this...because many of these posts are real raw emotions. They are helpful to those in the beginning stages of recovery. But right now, is not the right time.


As far as the wedding rings - which is the most poplar post here - I still do not wear one and VOW never to wear one again. I look at them and like them but I have no faith in marriage. I have faith in relationships.

Okay, so check back. I will keep you posted more and give you some back information. Feel free to post your experiences... Oh and if you are really curious about my program for affair recovery - email me or comment here and I can share it privately with you.

Stay strong everyone... because it will make you strong... It did for me.