Popped My Head Out of the Hole

So yesterday my dad called again. He has been calling me continuously for over 5 months and I have ignored the call each time. I haven't been able to talk to him and almost all of my friends (except for two) since I found out about the affair. I just can't take the criticism over not leaving my husband. I need to figure things out on my own within my own mind rather than taking in what other people think and feel (even though they have never been in my situation).

So when he called yesterday, I looked at the phone and contemplated whether or not to answer. On a whim, I just answered it.

It didn't go as bad as I anticipated for so many months. He said that he doesn't blame me for staying. He said I shouldn't feel so ashamed because I am not the only one who has to deal with something like this. He also invited all of us (including my husband) to visit next summer (my parents live in a foreign country).

I am not interested in visiting. I may feel differently next year but right now, I can't travel around as a happy little family when I feel like it's all still in wreckage.

I had a lot of anxiety after getting off the phone despite how well it went. I saw my psychologist last night and we discovered that the anxiety is from a part of me that thinks it has to now open the door to other people and completely come out of the shelter of my hole. Understanding that I don't have to completely come out of hiding yet is really reassuring and made me calm down...

I guess it is a step in the right direction. It scares me because it's a sign that life is getting back to normal at least a tiny bit and that means that I am vulnerable again. I don't ever want to be hurt like I have been again. I am so scared of it...at least I know that I lived through it once and has shown me how strong I really am... but who wants to suffer like that again? Blah.

Nightmares About the Affair

Last night was just plain bad. I had two horrible nightmares. I caught my husband cheating on me again with the same person, which meant that the affair never ended. The only great thing about the dream was that I got to speak to her and ask her a ton of questions. Many of her answers were different from what my husband has told me and when I look over at him since he was still in the room, he confirmed that she was telling the truth.

I also got a chance to tell her a little about my marriage and how it wasn't as bad as she probably told herself to make her immoral acts justified. She was surprised that we were intimate as much as we were and that we were telling each other how much we loved one another and that we truly were best friends.

Don't get me wrong...I was devastated in the dream finding out that he has been lying to everyone including our therapist.

The second dream may have been a continuation of the first. My husband decided to leave me and continue his relationship with his mistress. I left with the kids and I saw her at the front door waiting to go inside the house with him.

I understand my dreams are just part of the process. They reflect my fears about the affair as well as some of the things I need to get off my chest. I just hope with time I'm able to sleep soundly and at peace.

Back from the Infidelity Rage Break

I decided to take a break from Infidelity Rage because I began to think that it may be affecting my recovery process. I was doing a lot of reading on the subject of affairs and it was clouding my perception of my own situation.

Basically, I was taking what other people's reasons were to cheat and putting them on my husband. The reasons why my husband cheated and why other husbands cheat are different. Every person has an affair for different reasons and I am learning that through my therapy.

In a nutshell, the holidays were rough thinking about they almost didn't happen the way that they did - with me, my kids and husband all together. We ended up dropping the counseling center we were going to because the counselors were not helpful and I even had a confrontation with the marriage counselor because she said that I shouldn't expect Michael to tell me the truth when I ask him questions about the affair. WHAT?! Yes, he will tell me the truth and he will tell me the truth for the rest of his life if he wants to stay with me.

It was meant to be though because we ended up finding a psychologist with a PhD in family studies as well as theology. He also has a license in marriage and family therapy with 20  years experience. He is also trained in hypnosis and is accredited or whatever you need to be established as a professional hypnotist. HE IS AWESOME!!!!!! I am so impressed with his progress with us already. He has opened so many things up for me... and while it's been rough to look at the issues I have and will struggle with through my recovery, I know that uncovering them is the best way for me to deal with them effectively.

I hope that with this blog I can take some of the things that I learn in therapy and tell you all what works for me so that it may work for you. If you aren't in therapy, I am highly recommending that you seek it. Search for that golden therapist... If you had a disease, you would seek medical treatment, wouldn't you? Well, look at it this way. Your marriage has a disease and it needs to be treated. Take your head out of the sand and start digging so you can finally find out why your spouse cheated, why you are feeling the way you do about it and how you can overcome the disease so you can learn steps to avoid it happening again.

Holding Onto the Known Until I Trust the Unknown

There are just things in life you will never know for sure. You just have to trust that they are true. When dealing with Infidelity, I think this is just another difficult factor in a broken relationship to repair.

What I know is true:

• I know that my husband did not leave me for the affair girl.
• My husband has changed a lot of his ways.
• My husband has started counseling.
• He has started taking medication and has continued for the last four months.
• He has showed me much more attention as well as the kids.
• Is still here after all the ugly things I have said to him. 

What I have to learn to trust:

• That when he says that he loves me that it is true.
• That he won't ever cheat on me again.
• That he doesn't long for his slut. 
• That he has no communication with her.
• That he won't change his new ways and revert back to inattentive and lazy husband.
• That he isn't lying to me anymore.
• That he won't ever betray me again (cheating and otherwise). 

While the things that I have to learn to trust in are some of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship, at least I can begin to grasp what I know I have and what I have to strive for. 

Her Words to Me by My Cheating Husband

He did it again. He really needs to read the emails he sent to his slut and the ones she sent him because frankly, I'm sick of hearing him either repeat the same things he said to her to me or saying things she said to him to me.

Last night, we were having a really great phone conversation, until he completely ruined it by saying, "It will be like an early Christmas when I get home!". WOW....Those are the exact words she wrote to him in an email when she was getting ready to come meet with him here.

I know he can't possibly remember everything he has said to her and she has said to him and I am hypervigilant about stuff right now, but really, that phrase must have stuck in his mind library for him to repeat it exactly how she wrote it. It must have excited him or sparked some sort of positive reaction to make it stick the way it did. Well, of course it did, she was his "love" at the time.

It makes wonder how many other things he says to me that they shared. After 11 years of being with him, it really sucks that he is a product of this relationship, when the only relationship he should of had was with me. It's one thing if we weren't together and he took things from relationships he had before "my time" but this was during "my time" and I feel so cheated.

Yesterday at the gym, I heard this song and it describes how I feel right now: